"I can't believe this shit. You cheated on me?! With who?" And in the middle of him answering, "Muthafucka I can't believe this shit, I'm a fuck you and him up!" Then the passion kicks in, "After I fuck the hell out of you, first."
Infidelity is the easiest way to destroy a relationship because it completely ruins the main foundation of what a union is built upon, trust. In the world of homosexuality we define what a "relationship" means to us. Without the social norms that are placed upon heterosexual couples, we have the option to choose a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship based on the agreement that both parties have committed to. For those who have chosen the monogamous route, which even in the gay community, is the norm; infidelity can stir up a mixture of emotions including betrayal, disappointment, and anger. These feelings have the power to either repair and bring the couple closer together, or cause the demise of what was once supposed to be for forever.
If you went by OWN networks'Unfaithful you would get the impression that majority of couples impaled by cheating, survive it, but it is actually the complete opposite. It is difficult for couples to have to work through the issues that ultimately lead up to one or both partners seeking attention outside of their relationship, but for the ones who do, the bond between the individuals can be repaired and in some cases be even stronger.
When it is revealed that someone in a relationship has been less than honest, both people involved are hurt in some way. Based on the circumstances surrounding the infidelity, the person who cheated may have feelings of disgust, disappointment within themselves, and they may be confused.
On the opposite end, the victim may feel anger towards the other person as well as themselves, sadness, betrayal, confusion, and loneliness. They begin to wonder if their entire relationship was built on a lie, if the perpetrator ever truly loved them. They may suffer self-esteem issues, trying to figure out what it was that the other man or men had that could so easily cause their partner to cheat. You feel deceived and throughout all of these emotions you can't help but love the other person, and begin to wonder if the relationship is worth saving--if it can be saved at all.
Before you can begin mending a broken relationship after one or both partners have committed the ultimate deed of betrayal, you must first deal with the issue(s) that led up to the cheating. There are many reasons why people cheat, and here are a few examples:
- Some people have a fear of commitment/ intimacy and so they may cheat to keep themselves from getting too attached, to avoid being controlled, or to avoid feelings of suffocation.
- A lack of monogamous examples in ones' childhood can affect how they view relationships. If someone was raised by a single mother who always had men coming in and out of her life, the child may grow up to think that-that is the norm. If a child sees their father continuously cheating on their mother, but they never see the consequences of such actions, they may deem his behavior as something that is acceptable for men to do.
- Opportunity is probably the simplest reason as some men cheat just because they could.
- Sexual dissatisfaction in a relationship or lack of intimacy.
- A low self-esteem. Some men seek out sex as a means of validating their attractiveness or self-worth.
- Sexual addiction, someone who cannot control their impulses, sexual abuse, or the inclusion of alcohol and drugs which may impair ones' judgement.
- A means to get back at their partner for something they have done, whether it was sexual or non-sexual.
- Unfulfillment in ones' relationship, feeling unwanted or unloved creating an emotional distance. When someone feels an emotional disconnect, they will seek refuge elsewhere, and that could lead to physical infidelity.
- Social pressure, the media idealizes gay culture as being all about sex, influencing some men's decisions.
- Boredom
- Lack of gay role models, friends, or relatives who are monogamous.
As men whether gay, bisexual, or straight --we are more susceptible to cheating because we have the ability to separate our emotions from sex. While none of these are excuses for cheating, they are common reasons why gay men cheat and it is important to understand the underlying reason that is causing a wedge between you and your partner.
For the person who was cheated on I'm sure it is a very emotionally confusing time for you. The most important step in the healing process is to allow yourself to feel every emotion without holding anything back. Don't beat yourself up for your partner's betrayal, but surround yourself with positive thoughts about who you are and what you have to offer.
The affair will most certainly be on your mind for what seems to be 24/7 and this is not out of the norm. Think about things, but don't over-think them to the point where it's affecting your performance on the job or your other obligations. Try to think in terms of how you will feel six-months from now.
Yes you are the victim, don't play as though you are completely innocent as we all contribute to the infidelity for one reason or another. Although you didn't influence his final decision, you could have contributed to the drama that caused him to seek attention elsewhere. If you want to save your relationship, you have to figure out and deal with the underlying issues.
If you have chosen to work on your relationship, acknowledge that your partner has realized they've made a mistake and are working hard to fix it. Don't punish him. Verbally or physically assault him. Try to get even or any other behavior that is aimed at making him feel bad or guilty. In doing so you create a wider division one that wont aide in the rebuilding of your union.
Keep a journal of your emotions, and if you want to scream and shout, write those amotions down as to get them out, without applying them directly towards him.
Remember that by staying in this relationship you will have to put yourself in a position of vulnerability and this will take an uncertain amount of time. Let him know that it will take time for him to earn your trust, and don't feel as though you need to rush things or act according to his pace. As time passes and he continuously proves himself to you, the walls that you have built around your heart will gradually come down.
If you are the one who cheated, the first thing for you to do is disconnect all ties you may have to the person(s) that you've cheated with or those who may have influenced your decision to cheat, such as friends. Remember that you are human and that humans make mistakes, don't be hard on yourself, but instead put that energy towards comforting your partner in any capacity he will allow you to. Take responsibility for your role in things, and come up with a plan of how you alone can prevent this from ever happening again. If your infidelity was a result of being on a social media or dating site, it's time to deactivate that account. If drugs or alcohol played a role in you cheating, cut back or completely abandon your usage.
There is no doubt that your partner is going to bombard you with questions regarding your infidelity, and no matter how many questions he may have it is your responsibility to answer them all. Be honest, and don't respond defensively. If his moods are all over the place be prepared to deal with them, because all of this is apart of his healing process. If you want to gain his trust, dealing with these things is a must.
Expect him to not be as receptive to, and to challenge your love for him. It is going to take time for him to completely trust you again. Focus all of your energy on regaining his trust, work on your communication, acknowledge and understand his feelings, and most importantly let him know that he is the only one you want.
As a couple after determining what the issue or issues are, both partners must ask themselves a series of questions, and be sure to share your answers to these questions with one another.
- What has this affair done to our relationship? What series of events led up to it? Why did it happen?
- What roles did we both play in contributing to the infidelity? What's missing in our relationship? How can we work on those things? What has this affair taught us about ourselves and our relationship?
- Can forgiveness be granted towards my partner? Can I forgive myself (this is for the perpetrator)?
- How can we prevent this from happening again?
Make sure that your relationship is your number one priority, working hard on communication, negotiating differences, and identifying each others needs. Make a vow to never take your relationship or each other for granted. Be focused on experiencing new things together, being genuinely honest with one another, not blatantly honest as that causes bruised egos. An example of being genuinely honest would be if your partner had on an outfit that was not-so-flattering and they asked you your opinion of it, instead of saying, "That outfit is fucking ugly," be genuinely honest by saying, "I have seen you look better".
Go back to the days when you two first started dating. Share your goals and aspirations with one another and encourage one another. This is the time to rebuild your union, and create a relationship that will be stronger than ever before.
Having a good support system around you is awesome, however during this time of reconciliation it is best to keep people out of your business, and if at all possible not reveal the affair to them to begin with. In doing so it can cause added stress for you, and biased opinions based on your friends' loyalty. If you choose to share, determine as a couple how much you will reveal to outside influences. Everything else keep private. Sometimes people have specific motives for their input, and you never know if a friend or acquaintance will purposely sabotage your relationship in order to get closer to you or your partner.
Sex is another issue, and an activity that is sure to remind the two of you, how you arrived at this particular point in your relationship. Due to the passion that arises after the revelation of an affair, some couples get right back into intercourse, also known as make-up sex. The sight of your lover crying uncontrollably, apologizing, and looking completely lost and alone can make you want to embrace them, gazing into their eyes to hopefully find a spec of love still within them, sometimes sex is inevitable at this moment. But once that moment of passion is over, reality will once again set in. It is okay to ease back into sex if you feel uncomfortable and your emotions are still high. Take this time to re-establish intimacy, through non-sexual expressions of your love and admiration for one another. Make sure that your relationship is defined as monogamous or non-monogamous, before proceeding on the road to reconciliation.
Trying to save a relationship under the haunting eye of infidelity is far from easy, but it is possible. If you so choose to stay together take the negativity surrounding the affair, and apply it to making things better than they ever were. Use it as a tool to find out what went wrong in your relationship that helped lead up to this heartbreaking occurrence. Be patient, kind, understanding, and dedicated during this complicated milestone in your union, and stay focused on what the both of you want out of this relationship, and what you want it to be. Love conquers all, including cheating.
Sex is another issue, and an activity that is sure to remind the two of you, how you arrived at this particular point in your relationship. Due to the passion that arises after the revelation of an affair, some couples get right back into intercourse, also known as make-up sex. The sight of your lover crying uncontrollably, apologizing, and looking completely lost and alone can make you want to embrace them, gazing into their eyes to hopefully find a spec of love still within them, sometimes sex is inevitable at this moment. But once that moment of passion is over, reality will once again set in. It is okay to ease back into sex if you feel uncomfortable and your emotions are still high. Take this time to re-establish intimacy, through non-sexual expressions of your love and admiration for one another. Make sure that your relationship is defined as monogamous or non-monogamous, before proceeding on the road to reconciliation.
Trying to save a relationship under the haunting eye of infidelity is far from easy, but it is possible. If you so choose to stay together take the negativity surrounding the affair, and apply it to making things better than they ever were. Use it as a tool to find out what went wrong in your relationship that helped lead up to this heartbreaking occurrence. Be patient, kind, understanding, and dedicated during this complicated milestone in your union, and stay focused on what the both of you want out of this relationship, and what you want it to be. Love conquers all, including cheating.