Dear Bildschon:
For the first time in my adult life I am finally single. I'm not dating anyone, and I'm pretty content with not being someone's boyfriend, so as I thought. About two months ago I met this attractive white guy, whom seemed interesting enough, physically to keep around as a friend with benefits, but nothing more as I wasn't ready for it. As we talked he revealed to me that he was in the military, had his own place, car, and that he had only been with one other man, sexually. He then proceeded to tell me that he was married.
As I already stated, from the initial meeting I already knew that he'd make the perfect fuck buddy, but now knowing that he was married, it changed my perception of him and the situation. I have never messed with a married man before, but I'll admit that something about it seemed arousing, dangerous, and exciting; therefore I decided to go forth with it. On our first meeting for sex, we only had oral sex because the entire time, his wife was calling as if she knew I was over the house they shared, sucking her man's dick. It created such an awkward environment, even more so when he got off the phone complaining about her whining, that I decided to call it quits after he climaxed.
I didn't text him after that, as I had mixed feelings about the whole thing. I liked all of the social taboos attached to it. He was a military man, he was white, he was living a "straight" life, he was married, and he was bending over for me. Over the course of the next few weeks he'd text me periodically to find out when I was available to meet up with him again, and as much as I wanted to, I kept making excuses as to why I couldn't, until I sorted out my feelings about messing with a married man. One evening while his wife was away on a business trip, he sent me a text, asking me to come over. I did, and that was the first time we had intercourse. I could tell that he wasn't used to having sex with a man just by the way he put it in, his hesitation before kissing me, but eventually we both exploded after hours of him becoming less and less of a straight man, and now being classified as a bisexual.
After that I began to notice that every time my phone would vibrate I was hoping it would be from him. I had never hit him up first in regards to hooking up, but I found myself sending him text messages at all times of night, when I'm sure his wife was right next to him, asking him when he would be available to meet up. Finally we met up again, and had sex for the second time, and it was amazing. I couldn't control myself from moaning, lying between the sheets that he shares with his wife. I guess I'm writing to you to find out what I should do about said situation? Should I continue to sleep with him? Because I'm not looking to gain his heart as someone already has that, what should I do?
-MBFirst, I would like to thank you for reaching out to me on such a personal topic, one of which I will be perfectly honest with you on. This is a battlefield that you are in, and you need to exit as soon as possible before you suffer any psychological wounds.
By you messing with a married man, you are sending a message to yourself, him, and the rest of the world that it is okay for a man, a married one, to cheat on his wife.
You mentioned that you weren't looking for a relationship, and that you were not looking to capture this man's heart, but you also stated that you've caught yourself checking your phone for his messages, texting him during hours of the night when you know you shouldn't. What I'm really concerned with is if you are using protection. Don't think that because he's on the "DL" that you are the only man he's sleeping with. The same way he met you, is the same way he's meeting other men, and whose to say that he's using protection every time.
While you may not want to admit it, you are in the beginning stages of infatuation. Checking your phone waiting for him to hit you up, that is what two single men do when they are in the state of getting to know one another. You have to think about what if you do begin to develop feelings for this man, then what? He's married, which means he's unavailable, and no matter what your feelings for him may be, he isn't going to leave his wife, whom fits into his "heterosexual" lifestyle--for you. Lets say he did leave his wife for you, do you honestly think he'd be faithful to you when he's cheating on his wife?
Even if you want to continue to feed your head with lies of this never going past a sexual rendezvous, since you didn't mention whether or not he has children, what happens when and if his wife becomes pregnant? Not only would you have to watch out for the prying eyes and ears of his wife, but also those of his children, provided he'd still have time to blow your back out after dealing with his career in the army, his wife, and their children.
I'm assuming that you are an attractive guy who could certainly get any man you want, and with there being plenty of single men out there, please do yourself a favor and go find one. A part of me feels like you are using this whole experience as a means to check off some of the things on your bucket list. Have sex with a white man (check), have sex with someone in the military (check), get fucked by a "straight" guy (check), have sex with a married man, unfortunately (check). If you are indeed happy with being single, but intend on continuing to explore your sexuality, then I personally support you in your choice, but do so with class. You've had sex with him numerous times and have fulfilled those sexual thrills. Now it is time to move on!
He will never be emotionally available to you as he already has a wife for that. You are simply something on the side to provide what his wife can't. This guy is not willing to destroy the publics' perception of him, he's straight to the outside world, and he will most likely never leave that comfort zone of which he's created.
If you do decide to continue this affair, which again I seriously disapprove of, than you need not to have any non-sexual conversations with this man what-so-ever. You don't discuss politics, sports, music, work, your goals, childhood experiences, what you had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, nothing. You wait for him to contact you, you go over his residence, at the minimum say "Hi," drop your pants, do the dirty deed and leave.
Never to speak to him unless it is in the language of moans and groans. After you've had your brains fucked out, you do not accept any parting gifts such as beverages or snacks. You don't meet him at the bar for drinks, workout with him at the gym, meet him at the park to play basketball, or enjoy a masculine filled night of Monday night football.
Know your role! You are just a fuck.