You receive compliments on your looks on a daily basis You have a good-progressive career, a home to call your own, a nice car, and most importantly you feel as though your personality matches the worldly possessions that you own. You are the total package. So why are you still single?
You've begun to feel like you are the nice guy who will finish last in the complex universe of love. No matter how hard you try, love still seems to elude you. You've posted a profile on several dating sites, become a regular on the nightclub scene, and in doing so have been successful at landing dates, but for some reason you are still alone. You've accomplished majority of the short term and long term goals you've set for yourself, you're well cultured, and everyone you know tells you how good of a catch you are, but you are still single. All you want is to find that special someone with whom you can expand upon your empire, build a life together, someone who is as driven as you are, with a beautiful personality to match. A man who will be there for you just as much as you will be for him.
If this sounds like you, don't worry because you are not alone. Millions of people all around the world are experiencing the same feelings as you are, whether they be gay, straight, black, white, overweight, muscular, poor, or rich. To understand that you are not alone, all you have to do is look at Hollywood and all of the celebrity singles out there, constantly going from relationship to relationship, and always ending up alone.
Searching for someone to build a long-lasting relationship with is no easy task since it requires a lot of time. Time to understand who you are, what your ideal partner looks like, his personality, as well as the stage of life he's in, and if all, some, or none of these factors matter to you. The most important thing to remember at this point, is that you have finally arrived at this question, and begun the journey to finding the root of the issue.
For some men, this could be that pivotal moment where they discover that they are at the root of their relationship issues. Could it be you? Ocky Williams of Cypher Avenue believes so. In his article Top 15 Reasons You Are Not Relationship Material, he brings to light some obvious yet overlooked reasons for your failure at finding everlasting love:
You’re A Cheater: You don’t have a problem starting a relationship but you do have a problem being faithful in one. You think the idea of a committed relationship is having a “main dude” but also having a small stable of other stallions at your disposal. If you have the tendency to “make a mistake” or just “slip up” in the form of having sexual encounters with someone other than your partner while in a relationship, guess what?; you are not relationship material. As a matter of fact, you suck at it. A mistake is entering $200.00 on the ATM keypad when you meant to only enter $20.00. Real men are honest with themselves and their partners. An honest man doesn't just “slip up” and break commitments. Also by definition an honest man is not a liar. What secure adult man lies anyway? Being monogamous should be easy and thoughtless. If you like variety and sampling the spice of life by all means do so but do it as a single bachelor (you asshole).
You Don’t Meet Your Own Standards: It seems like many single men always have a long list of requirements and high standards of their future partner. The trouble is that many times they don’t meet the same standards they wish for in others. Wealth, good looks, hot body, not too short, not too tall, not too fem, not too masculine, not to dark, etc. There is nothing wrong with having standards and qualifications for a potential partner; however if you can’t meet at least 95% of the requirements you have laid-out, you’re delusional and you’re not ready for a relationship. The majority of men don’t have six packs and chances are if you don’t have one he won’t either. You are being crippled by looking and waiting for a fantasy. Start looking for a real man who will treat you like a King.
You’re Emotional Damaged: No, we are not talking about diagnosed mental illness; we’re talking about the stressful, self-limiting and self-loathing baggage that you are carrying around from all of your past negative life experiences. Whether it’s from family experiences, high school or past relationships that ended badly; you’re emotional damaged and you’re bringing all the weight of mistrust and insecurities into your relationships. You want trust but are reluctant to trust others. Your emotional baggage becomes a wedge and splinters the few relationships that you are able to form. If you want a relationship, you have to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable and one aspect of vulnerability is to forgive. A trait of forgiveness means understanding you can’t change the past but you can accept it, learn from it, and grow. Often we not only need to forgive others but also forgive ourselves, which many times can be difficult. Seeking professional help is a sure fire way to talk through your emotional baggage and come out a new man.
You Have No Idea What A Meaningful Relationship Is: Sad but serious. Ethic men rarely see examples of themselves in loving, long lasting relationships. Regardless if it’s Asian, Black, Latin or Indian men, it’s hard finding examples of our love in Hollywood productions, TV series, web series, and in everyday life. We all know they exist but it seems like they are as elusive as a Snow Leopard. What we do see in abundance within the media is gay dysfunction and conflict. Commitment, love, security, morals and ethics are just too boring; however we are made to believe that everyone cheats and drama is so much sexier. “How will I know if he really loves me if he isn't jealous and abusive? That’s how we show our love”. “I can’t be with a man, who doesn't argue and scream, that’s boring”. Sadly many men and women think relationships can’t exist without dysfunction. This mindset has been shaped by generations of misinformation and sub-par examples. A companion should not bring dysfunction into your life but enrich the love and joy you already have for yourself.
You’re A Gaylebrity: As my best friend says “You’re a house hold name”. Meaning, you are known coast to coast within the gay community. Everyone knows who you are. You are the premier Gay Socialite. You go to all the clubs and know all the players. You live, breathe and are entrenched in the gay lifestyle. The problem is when the fans have disbursed and the club closes, you go home lonely. There’s nothing wrong with socializing but here again, for many gay men this can be uncomfortable when attempting to date or start a relationship. The reason is because some men may feel you are to easily assessable and distracted by other men. The appearance you may give off is that you are more into clubbing and socializing versus being serious and settling down. Try scaling back your party rocking. Believe me; the clubs will always be there.
You Are Addicted To Mobile Apps & Social Gay Media: Jack’d, Grindr, Scruff, BGC, Adam 4 Adam, Men 4 Now…you know them and have multiple profiles on them all. The problem is that even after you start dating, these sites and apps have become such a routine or habit within your life that you can’t stop logging on. I have heard some men say that they actually have “friends” on these sites that they have only communicated with online. I’m not saying that this isn’t possible but what’s wrong with communicating with them through non-gay-sexual-hookup means? Why haven’t you all exchanged email addresses and communicate that way? This is another sure fire way to send a signal to a potential partner that you are not relationship material. In a way, you’re saying he is not interesting enough or that you don’t value him enough get off the apps or websites. A real man in person is better than an internet man any day. Close your accounts and log off.
You Hit The Sheets Too Quickly: This is simple. If 99% of all your dates end with your penis sneezing (i.e., an orgasm) you’re a male whore. You are advertising to the world that you are not relationship material but hookup, jump-off material…and believe me, men talk. This easily sends a message to the man that you’re having sex with that if it’s this easy for him than its just as easy for any man. Therefore, you are not relationship material. Yes I know we men get horny and if dates are few and far between, we may get a little excited. However if you want a relationship then you want to be viewed as relationship material. A cool trick I use to do is to masturbate before I went on a date. That way my sex drive had been somewhat depleted and I could focus on the man and not trying to get into his pants. Try it.
You Have Little Self-Worth: In other words, you’re a doormat. You let men walk all over you. It doesn’t matter if he cheats or if he is abusive and treats you will little respect; you’ll still be there by his side because you made a commitment to him. The problem is that he is not committed to you. Sorry…the real problem is that you are not committed to yourself. You shouldn’t allow your desperation for companionship to emasculate you. Chances are even if you break up with this dude, the next man will be the same because this is what you attract…you are prey. A real man will not want a whimp, a push over or a doormat. To attract a man that will care for you and love you, first you have to care about and love yourself. Get up off the floor and stand up.
You Don’t Have Patience: In other words, you are too desperate. You want an instant relationship…just add water and stir. You don’t take the time to actually date, to court, to bond with the man you are interested in. You want the happy home and the image of the nice happy gay married couple RIGHT NOW, THIS INSTANT. You’re not willing to or don’t feel like putting in the required work because you just want the idea of a relationship to fill a void. These types of needy and sometimes possessive men can be very annoying especially after they say “I Love You” after the third date. Dude chill-out and take your time. Rushing into relationships has probably been your problem in the past but you’ve just been too damn hungry to notice. Taking your time and getting to learn another man can also teach you some things about yourself but if you get too eager, class can quickly be dismissed.
[COMPLETE LIST @CYPHER AVENUE]