People often think of cheating as being the main component of a relationships' failure to succeed, but in reality it can be the lack of communication that leads to a hell filled, downward spiral.
Men are horrible at communication and when you put two men together in a relationship who lack the social skills to express themselves effectively, the shelf life of that union decreases dramatically.
Same-sex relationships are more complicated that heterosexual relationships due to certain factors. It may be 2013, but discrimination still exist, and every man isn't walking around brandishing a gay flag. One or both men may not have come out, and some men are not ‘out’ and will never be. Others may not disclose their sexuality in particular aspects of their life (e.g. at work, to certain friends or family members).
In such situations, a discussion of how this will impact on the relationship is important. When discussing this, it is essential to come from a point of respect and understanding. A person who is not out may have chosen that route for a variety of reasons, including professional, cultural, political or social.
Not every homosexual man chooses to involve himself in the gay scene. However, if you or your partner is heavily involved, a discussion around your level of involvement may come up from time to time.
Sex can be enhanced by intimacy, but to use sex as the primary definition of intimacy is ignorant because you can have sex with anyone.
Psychologists have identified 5 levels of emotional intimacy we all move through as we get to know someone. In the following article, each level will be introduced, with level 1 being the lowest level of intimacy and level 5 being the highest.
LEVEL ONE: SAFE COMMUNICATION
Level one is the lowest level of intimacy. It is at this level where exchange of basic information about a person is revealed. There are no feelings, opinions or personal vulnerability involved, and therefore no risk of rejection. This can be thought of as the kind of interaction we have with people we don’t know well. The conversation we have with a cashier or someone we meet at a nightclub. People communicating at this level share minimal intimacy. An example of this level would be, “The weather has been terrible this week,” or a compliment from a stranger such as "I love your outfit."
LEVEL TWO: OTHERS' OPINIONS AND BELIEFS
At this level we begin to reveal a little more about ourselves through others' opinions and beliefs we have adopted as our own. We are beginning to reveal more of ourselves through our associations. for example we may say things like, “My pastor says…” or “My father always said…” These statements test the other person’s reaction to what we’re sharing without blatantly offering our own opinions. We may agree or disagree with the opinions that are being exposed, but the point is to see where the other person's head is. This is slightly more vulnerable than level one, but it is still a safe level because we’re not sharing our own opinions, therefore we can distance ourselves from the opinion if we feel threatened by criticism or rejection from the other person.
LEVEL THREE: PERSONAL OPINIONS AND BELIEFS
We've known him for a while, so now it's time to reveal a little more about ourselves. We start taking small risks at this level because we begin to share our own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. But like the previous level, if we begin feeling too vulnerable, we can say we’ve switched our opinions or changed our mind in order to avoid conflict or pain. The other person will not sense the change in belief since they don't know us well enough to disprove our opinions.
LEVEL FOUR: MY EXPERIENCES AND FEELINGS
Sharing feelings and experiences is the next level of vulnerability and intimacy. At this level we talk about our joys, pain, and failures; our mistakes in the past, our dreams, and our goals. What we like or don’t like. What it is that makes us who we are. This level is where vulnerability truly comes into play because we can’t change how we feel about something, when the details of past experiences can be used as fact when used in reference to our feelings. If we sense we may be rejected or criticized all we can do is try to convince others that we’re no longer impacted by our past. Express that we are no longer that person, or that we are in the process of changing for the better.
LEVEL FIVE: MY EMOTIONS AND DESIRES
Finally we've reached the highest level of intimacy. This is the level where we reveal who we are. No apologies. Because of this, this is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. "If I can’t trust that you won’t reject me, I’ll never be able to share my deepest self with you." Unlike the other levels, there is no escape at this point. Once you reveal to someone who you really are, you can no longer convince them otherwise. Communicating at this level means we offer someone the most vulnerable part of ourselves. And the greatest fears are that they could use it against us later or view us completely different. When we share things like, “I’m hurt when you don’t call,” "I need to know where we stand,” or “I want to date exclusively,” we’re not only sharing our Achilles heel, but our desires and needs as well. This is also the level where we let others see our emotional reaction to things, which if you’re a sensitive person such as myself, it isn't the best view.
It’s important to understand that true intimacy in a relationship happens over time, not in a day, week or even a month(s). I have been in relationships that lasted over a year and still didn't feel as though those relationships explored all the realms of intimacy.
Think of your best friend…how long did it take before you felt at the highest level of intimacy with them, where you were able to trust them completely, or share your deepest self? It’s the same in romantic relationships…true intimacy develops over time, so be patient.
It is extremely important that both people in a relationship move through the levels together. If I’m sharing at level four with someone (feelings and experiences) but my partner is sharing at level three (opinions and beliefs) we’re not experiencing true intimacy because we are on two different playing fields. I may feel closer because I’m sharing at a higher level, and begin to develop feelings while he just sees me as a friend. This is a prime example of a false sense of intimacy. In truth, intimacy is measured by the person with the lower level of vulnerability. So if you are dating someone whose on level 2, and your on level 3, as a union you are on level 2.
It is imperative that we know what intimacy really means and explore it to level 5. If we continue to allow other things such as sex, distract us from achieving the highest level, we will continue to have Hollywood relationships. The type of relationships that last a few months, before their predictable end.