When you look at the five levels of intimacy, I’m sure you would agree that the fifth or highest level is the healthiest, safest and most intimate place to have sex.
Level 5 is where we reveal who we are. No apologies. Because of this, this is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. "If I can’t trust that you won’t reject me, I’ll never be able to share my deepest self with you." Unlike the other levels, there is no escape at this point. Once you reveal to someone who you really are, you can no longer convince them otherwise. Communicating at this level means we offer someone the most vulnerable part of ourselves.
When we feel loved unconditionally, and have the highest level of trust, we are able to give ourselves completely to each other, increasing intimacy and the enjoyment of sex. We can have sex at the other levels, but without that same level of trust the vulnerability of sex may be associated with anxiety, fear, distrust and lead to premature feelings of entitlement.
So what happens if we have sex before reaching that highest level, level five? Sex is an intimate act, but it is not a part of intimacy. Think about couples you know who invite a third person into their bedroom. If sex is intimacy, how can this be when another person is involved in the act?
Another example would be if you met someone on a hookup site or in a club. If you have sex with that person on the first night of meeting them, would you consider that to be intimacy? No. You don't know anything about them besides their physical measurements, name, and possibly their age. In most cases you don't even know their STD status.
Sex is intimate because it is usually a private act between two consenting adults. It can be enhanced by intimacy, but it is not intimacy itself. Sex that follows intimacy is a bond two people share that extends beyond the physical. It is sacred, spiritual, emotional, and afterwards both partners should feel as though they've become closer.
I don't want to get too evangelistic, but in Genesis, God said that sex makes two people one. If this is true, you wouldn't want to be "one" with some drunk you just met the previous night. This is another example why sex is a false sense of intimacy.
Research on the brain and sex has proven that it is more than just a physical act, which is why there's danger in friends with benefits situations. During sexual arousal and orgasm men and women unknowingly release a hormone called oxytocin. Scientists refer to oxytocin as the hormone of love, the culprit that creates strong relational bonds. Releasing this hormone increases trust in a relationship, bonds people together, and aides in intimacy. Oxytocin is also released in women when they give birth and when they breast feed their babies. A prime example that sex was designed by the powers that be to bond a couple and families together.
When we have sex before the highest level, we are creating a false sense of intimacy in our relationship. Because of oxytocin the sex makes us feel closer than we really are. Let’s say we’re at level 3, where many couples start having sex. It is at this point where we begin sharing thoughts, opinions and beliefs.
Once a couple begins having sex they may feel a sense of closeness, but in reality they don’t know each other very well. They are experiencing a false sense of intimacy because they are using sex to express they love and admiration for one another, and as a way to communicate and resolve conflict. This is similar to an 18 year-old going to prison for 10-20 years. In some cases, when he's released at 38, he may still be that same teenager he was when he entered. This also goes for sex. When a couple has sex at a level 3, this is the level of emotional intimacy that they will most likely stay--meaning the relationship will never fully develop, and hence end prematurely.
In other words, emotional intimacy can get stalled at the level where we start having sex. Let me explain why. Emotional intimacy requires being able to risk conflict in order to move to the next level. Handling conflict in a healthy and safe way without being rejected is what allows us to build the trust needed to communicate at higher, more vulnerable levels. But now that we’re having sex, we automatically feel close, and we won’t want to risk losing them. We also may feel that this is the one, and we won’t want anything to threaten this relationship. And so although we may occasionally move to higher levels, we’ll continue to fall back into that safe zone to communicate. We may sense that there’s something missing, but then with sex, we’ll feel that surge of closeness again, making us feel all is well…